[Given the memories she's been showing and seeing this week, Endorsi has been trying to stay more scarce than normal until this effect fades away. That being said... She isn't the type to be satisfied just staying in her room all week, and while she spends most of Monday night in her room, by on Tuesday morning she's restless. She heads up to the uppermost floor available to them, walking into the biome. She tells herself she'll be careful, but - she doesn't notice Medb out of the corner of her eye and walks a little bit too close, and the other woman will experience something unfamiliar out of nowhere.]
[You're much younger in this memory, and you're in a dark, cold room. There's a table in the center of the room laid out with exquisite food, warm candles illuminating the people who sit - but you aren't one of them. You didn't win any of your fights today, you know, so you haven't been invited to the table to eat that food. You're given a small amount of stale bread, old enough that it just barely hasn't started to grow mold yet, and left to sit near the corner of the drafty room on the ground. You're so hungry. You wish that, even for a day, you could sit at that table with the other girls and taste that food, feel the warm candlelight. But you've never been strong enough.
The next day, though, something changes. During the day's fights... For the first time, you win. For the first time, you do well enough that you can sit at the table. You can taste the food that the rest of the girls eat. Compared to the cold, stale bread you've been eating for months, it's so warm and filling that you want to cry. You can't remember the last time you weren't hungry.
You don't forget that feeling. You start winning the fights by any means necessary. Not all of the girls survive through it. Some of them cry before you kill them, and some of them beg. The staff in the mansion start to look at you with fear in their eyes. You don't care. You're not going to starve. You're going to live. You're going to have power. You're going to be strong. Strong enough to be safe, strong enough that someday you'll never remember the taste of that stale bread, the feeling of sitting alone in the dark corner of the room while you wished and waited. The group of other girls gets smaller and smaller, but it doesn't matter. If this is the only way to make it in the world, you'll do it.
As the memory ends, she's moving back, raising her hand - before she realizes that she's not in the middle of another fight, and lets it fall. She's silent for a beat.]
[ It's a lot. It's a lot for once for someone like Medb who was born into royalty and who has always been treated as such. Her hunger has never been food. The disparity from what she knows and what Endorsi has experienced is vast, but what is similar enough is the fighting.
It's a good thing Medb is seated because the memory almost takes her out, the strength of it.
She looks up at Endorsi and doesn't avert her gaze. ]
You wanted to survive, so you did. There's nothing wrong with that.
[It takes her some time to come out of that memory, to realize that she's not in the middle of a fight anymore, that the part of her life she just experienced has been over for hundreds of years. Even then, she breathes out a sigh, trying to shake off the rest of her tension.
...For all that she doesn't regret those actions, though, it's rare to have someone hear about them (or literally experience them, in this case), and not react with hatred or disgust. She pauses for a few moments.]
Even if it was wrong, I don't feel bad about it. [...] That's the way the world works.
[ Being a queen means she's seen and experienced her fair share of violence and bloodshed. It would be too disingenuous for her to be disgusted or hateful of Endorsi when she knows well enough that she was put into that position. When someone is rewarded for being strong, for being murderous, doesn't it make sense it'd end this way? ]
If I didn't want my nation to fall or weaken, I would go to war. Whatever that place was for you, it was a war of your own.
Winning means you have strength and drive. Those are things I like in people.
You are dying, wounded and injured beyond anything you'd normally allow to happen to you.
The Holy Grail could heal you if you wished for it, but you've already made your wish, haven't you? Once, twice, you've made a wish.
(—Very well, this is my wish: To make Cú Chulainn king. A wicked king, enough to rival even me.)
And he did turn out to be a wicked king equal to even you, didn't he? This man you hated, this man you couldn't forgive, this man you wanted to have more than anything else—
But is he everything you wanted? Is someone who is the least kingly king in the world who you wanted? Is someone who sealed away their joy once they became king someone you wanted? You think, you love Cú Chulainn. You love him so much. You wanted him so much you made a wish for him. You love him you love him you love him—
Except is it love? You're happy he praised you. After all this time, he finally praised you. He acknowledged you as someone by his side. He acknowledged you as queen, and you are happy.
Is this love? Do you know what love is?
All you know is in your final moments is that you wanted someone who could be by your side. Someone who is worthy to be by your side. Someone who wants to be by your side.
Someone who could love you for who you are, for everything that you are.
You don't know if you've ever had that. For all the lovers you've had, have you ever had that? Have you ever been truly loved? Have you ever loved someone like that yourself?
Isn't it funny? How much you don't know if you know love once you think about it.
Isn't it funny that you're using something you once created to go after Cú Chulainn, the man next to you, in order to aid him? Isn't it funny?
(Even now, you know he isn't yours, but you're dying, so it's okay to say so, isn't it?)
Those that oppose you think so little of your ambitions, of how strong your desires are, of what made you queen.
This is your legend. You are a legend.
You'd go to any lengths just for you want, and even as you die, you say that you've been saved, but have you?
You're angry, humiliated, and vexed, but helping someone you (think you) love—
Is this what you wanted?
Your final wish on the grail could destroy everything in this era, if it succeeds.
Medb's expression is impassive when the memory recedes, but something complicated flickers in her eyes. She watches Endorsi carefully. ]
It's a complicated memory to handle; it takes her a few moments to separate herself from all that pain, both physical and emotional, and all the longing. It's tragic in more ways than one, and the way the memory ends is certainly ominous, but that doesn't change the fact that her first question is:]
[Even so, something about that... She likes Medb, so of course she'll be concerned, but she's concerned even apart from that. There's something about the idea of dying to help someone who you're so fixated on, but who you aren't completely sure whether you love - it's not something she's felt before, but she can recognize the tragedy.
She isn't really angry or frightened of that last wish. Instead, she's more sympathetic than she usually seems. Still, she has to ask.]
[ Medb wants to say yes, but she doesn't truly know. She wants to think she did. If she didn't, she wouldn't have died like that, as selfish and self-serving as she can be.
Love isn't simple, and love isn't clean cut. Maybe it wasn't a good or healthy love, but it could have been love, couldn't it? ]
I think I wanted to. I think I loved him in my own way but not in a way others would like to understand.
[She's not usually that direct about it, but something about seeing that memory - something about how concerned she was when she came out of the memory and realized the reality of that death... It makes her a little bit more honest. Besides, Medb is one of the rare people she thinks of as her equal.]
Do you think you'll go back to him when you go home?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w2, tuesday. 1/2.
2/2.
The next day, though, something changes. During the day's fights... For the first time, you win. For the first time, you do well enough that you can sit at the table. You can taste the food that the rest of the girls eat. Compared to the cold, stale bread you've been eating for months, it's so warm and filling that you want to cry. You can't remember the last time you weren't hungry.
You don't forget that feeling. You start winning the fights by any means necessary. Not all of the girls survive through it. Some of them cry before you kill them, and some of them beg. The staff in the mansion start to look at you with fear in their eyes. You don't care. You're not going to starve. You're going to live. You're going to have power. You're going to be strong. Strong enough to be safe, strong enough that someday you'll never remember the taste of that stale bread, the feeling of sitting alone in the dark corner of the room while you wished and waited. The group of other girls gets smaller and smaller, but it doesn't matter. If this is the only way to make it in the world, you'll do it.
Even after the rest of them are gone, you will survive.
As the memory ends, she's moving back, raising her hand - before she realizes that she's not in the middle of another fight, and lets it fall. She's silent for a beat.]
I...
no subject
It's a good thing Medb is seated because the memory almost takes her out, the strength of it.
She looks up at Endorsi and doesn't avert her gaze. ]
You wanted to survive, so you did. There's nothing wrong with that.
no subject
...For all that she doesn't regret those actions, though, it's rare to have someone hear about them (or literally experience them, in this case), and not react with hatred or disgust. She pauses for a few moments.]
Even if it was wrong, I don't feel bad about it. [...] That's the way the world works.
no subject
If I didn't want my nation to fall or weaken, I would go to war. Whatever that place was for you, it was a war of your own.
Winning means you have strength and drive. Those are things I like in people.
no subject
People don't usually last very long where I'm from without both of those things, so it's only natural! Though I have more than most people, of course.
no subject
[ Confidence, strength, and drive are all very attractive to Medb. Even if that means someone is doused in blood, she has to respect it. ]
How long were you there for?
no subject
[She giggles, before:]
Mm... It's been hundreds of years since I was there, so I'm not sure whether it was months or years anymore.
no subject
[ The confidence between these two alone would be enough to topple kingdoms. ]
Oh, you left it behind long ago. Good. Immortal or long-lived?
no subject
[With a tilt of her head:]
Ah, but your profile said you're eternal, right?
no subject
[ She flashes a victory sign. ]
no subject
no subject
no subject
[Perking up, interested.]
What are you famous for, then?
no subject
[ She laughs. It's her ego talking, but it's also unfortunately very true. ]
For being a queen of warriors.
no subject
[She tilts her head, though.]
What were you fighting for?
1/2
[ That's as good a time as any for a memory to tell at least one thing she used to fight for. ]
no subject
You are dying, wounded and injured beyond anything you'd normally allow to happen to you.
The Holy Grail could heal you if you wished for it, but you've already made your wish, haven't you? Once, twice, you've made a wish.
(—Very well, this is my wish: To make Cú Chulainn king. A wicked king, enough to rival even me.)
And he did turn out to be a wicked king equal to even you, didn't he? This man you hated, this man you couldn't forgive, this man you wanted to have more than anything else—
But is he everything you wanted? Is someone who is the least kingly king in the world who you wanted? Is someone who sealed away their joy once they became king someone you wanted? You think, you love Cú Chulainn. You love him so much. You wanted him so much you made a wish for him. You love him you love him you love him—
Except is it love? You're happy he praised you. After all this time, he finally praised you. He acknowledged you as someone by his side. He acknowledged you as queen, and you are happy.
Is this love? Do you know what love is?
All you know is in your final moments is that you wanted someone who could be by your side. Someone who is worthy to be by your side. Someone who wants to be by your side.
Someone who could love you for who you are, for everything that you are.
You don't know if you've ever had that. For all the lovers you've had, have you ever had that? Have you ever been truly loved? Have you ever loved someone like that yourself?
Isn't it funny? How much you don't know if you know love once you think about it.
Isn't it funny that you're using something you once created to go after Cú Chulainn, the man next to you, in order to aid him? Isn't it funny?
(Even now, you know he isn't yours, but you're dying, so it's okay to say so, isn't it?)
Those that oppose you think so little of your ambitions, of how strong your desires are, of what made you queen.
This is your legend. You are a legend.
You'd go to any lengths just for you want, and even as you die, you say that you've been saved, but have you?
You're angry, humiliated, and vexed, but helping someone you (think you) love—
Is this what you wanted?
Your final wish on the grail could destroy everything in this era, if it succeeds.
Medb's expression is impassive when the memory recedes, but something complicated flickers in her eyes. She watches Endorsi carefully. ]
no subject
It's a complicated memory to handle; it takes her a few moments to separate herself from all that pain, both physical and emotional, and all the longing. It's tragic in more ways than one, and the way the memory ends is certainly ominous, but that doesn't change the fact that her first question is:]
...Did you really die?
no subject
Yes, but I'm not dead now, and I won't be dead when we're done here.
[ It doesn't take away the pain of dying, but she is alive now without the need of a wish to make her so. ]
no subject
She isn't really angry or frightened of that last wish. Instead, she's more sympathetic than she usually seems. Still, she has to ask.]
That man... Do you really think you loved him?
no subject
Love isn't simple, and love isn't clean cut. Maybe it wasn't a good or healthy love, but it could have been love, couldn't it? ]
I think I wanted to. I think I loved him in my own way but not in a way others would like to understand.
I know I wanted him.
no subject
[It doesn't take away the fact that, whatever she felt, it was real. That being said:]
I think you deserve better.
no subject
I really like you, Endorsi.
[ Fondness warms her tone; affections softens her voice. ]
You're right. On both counts.
no subject
[She's not usually that direct about it, but something about seeing that memory - something about how concerned she was when she came out of the memory and realized the reality of that death... It makes her a little bit more honest. Besides, Medb is one of the rare people she thinks of as her equal.]
Do you think you'll go back to him when you go home?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)