You are dying, wounded and injured beyond anything you'd normally allow to happen to you.
The Holy Grail could heal you if you wished for it, but you've already made your wish, haven't you? Once, twice, you've made a wish.
(—Very well, this is my wish: To make Cú Chulainn king. A wicked king, enough to rival even me.)
And he did turn out to be a wicked king equal to even you, didn't he? This man you hated, this man you couldn't forgive, this man you wanted to have more than anything else—
But is he everything you wanted? Is someone who is the least kingly king in the world who you wanted? Is someone who sealed away their joy once they became king someone you wanted? You think, you love Cú Chulainn. You love him so much. You wanted him so much you made a wish for him. You love him you love him you love him—
Except is it love? You're happy he praised you. After all this time, he finally praised you. He acknowledged you as someone by his side. He acknowledged you as queen, and you are happy.
Is this love? Do you know what love is?
All you know is in your final moments is that you wanted someone who could be by your side. Someone who is worthy to be by your side. Someone who wants to be by your side.
Someone who could love you for who you are, for everything that you are.
You don't know if you've ever had that. For all the lovers you've had, have you ever had that? Have you ever been truly loved? Have you ever loved someone like that yourself?
Isn't it funny? How much you don't know if you know love once you think about it.
Isn't it funny that you're using something you once created to go after Cú Chulainn, the man next to you, in order to aid him? Isn't it funny?
(Even now, you know he isn't yours, but you're dying, so it's okay to say so, isn't it?)
Those that oppose you think so little of your ambitions, of how strong your desires are, of what made you queen.
This is your legend. You are a legend.
You'd go to any lengths just for you want, and even as you die, you say that you've been saved, but have you?
You're angry, humiliated, and vexed, but helping someone you (think you) love—
Is this what you wanted?
Your final wish on the grail could destroy everything in this era, if it succeeds.
Medb's expression is impassive when the memory recedes, but something complicated flickers in her eyes. She watches Endorsi carefully. ]
It's a complicated memory to handle; it takes her a few moments to separate herself from all that pain, both physical and emotional, and all the longing. It's tragic in more ways than one, and the way the memory ends is certainly ominous, but that doesn't change the fact that her first question is:]
[Even so, something about that... She likes Medb, so of course she'll be concerned, but she's concerned even apart from that. There's something about the idea of dying to help someone who you're so fixated on, but who you aren't completely sure whether you love - it's not something she's felt before, but she can recognize the tragedy.
She isn't really angry or frightened of that last wish. Instead, she's more sympathetic than she usually seems. Still, she has to ask.]
[ Medb wants to say yes, but she doesn't truly know. She wants to think she did. If she didn't, she wouldn't have died like that, as selfish and self-serving as she can be.
Love isn't simple, and love isn't clean cut. Maybe it wasn't a good or healthy love, but it could have been love, couldn't it? ]
I think I wanted to. I think I loved him in my own way but not in a way others would like to understand.
[She's not usually that direct about it, but something about seeing that memory - something about how concerned she was when she came out of the memory and realized the reality of that death... It makes her a little bit more honest. Besides, Medb is one of the rare people she thinks of as her equal.]
Do you think you'll go back to him when you go home?
[ There isn’t much distance between them, but if Endorsi lets her, Medb closes the space between them and loops her arms around her in a loose embrace before pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth. ]
I don’t need him, and he died after I did.
[ That’s true enough even if there may be a part of her that still vies for him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[She tilts her head, though.]
What were you fighting for?
1/2
[ That's as good a time as any for a memory to tell at least one thing she used to fight for. ]
no subject
You are dying, wounded and injured beyond anything you'd normally allow to happen to you.
The Holy Grail could heal you if you wished for it, but you've already made your wish, haven't you? Once, twice, you've made a wish.
(—Very well, this is my wish: To make Cú Chulainn king. A wicked king, enough to rival even me.)
And he did turn out to be a wicked king equal to even you, didn't he? This man you hated, this man you couldn't forgive, this man you wanted to have more than anything else—
But is he everything you wanted? Is someone who is the least kingly king in the world who you wanted? Is someone who sealed away their joy once they became king someone you wanted? You think, you love Cú Chulainn. You love him so much. You wanted him so much you made a wish for him. You love him you love him you love him—
Except is it love? You're happy he praised you. After all this time, he finally praised you. He acknowledged you as someone by his side. He acknowledged you as queen, and you are happy.
Is this love? Do you know what love is?
All you know is in your final moments is that you wanted someone who could be by your side. Someone who is worthy to be by your side. Someone who wants to be by your side.
Someone who could love you for who you are, for everything that you are.
You don't know if you've ever had that. For all the lovers you've had, have you ever had that? Have you ever been truly loved? Have you ever loved someone like that yourself?
Isn't it funny? How much you don't know if you know love once you think about it.
Isn't it funny that you're using something you once created to go after Cú Chulainn, the man next to you, in order to aid him? Isn't it funny?
(Even now, you know he isn't yours, but you're dying, so it's okay to say so, isn't it?)
Those that oppose you think so little of your ambitions, of how strong your desires are, of what made you queen.
This is your legend. You are a legend.
You'd go to any lengths just for you want, and even as you die, you say that you've been saved, but have you?
You're angry, humiliated, and vexed, but helping someone you (think you) love—
Is this what you wanted?
Your final wish on the grail could destroy everything in this era, if it succeeds.
Medb's expression is impassive when the memory recedes, but something complicated flickers in her eyes. She watches Endorsi carefully. ]
no subject
It's a complicated memory to handle; it takes her a few moments to separate herself from all that pain, both physical and emotional, and all the longing. It's tragic in more ways than one, and the way the memory ends is certainly ominous, but that doesn't change the fact that her first question is:]
...Did you really die?
no subject
Yes, but I'm not dead now, and I won't be dead when we're done here.
[ It doesn't take away the pain of dying, but she is alive now without the need of a wish to make her so. ]
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She isn't really angry or frightened of that last wish. Instead, she's more sympathetic than she usually seems. Still, she has to ask.]
That man... Do you really think you loved him?
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Love isn't simple, and love isn't clean cut. Maybe it wasn't a good or healthy love, but it could have been love, couldn't it? ]
I think I wanted to. I think I loved him in my own way but not in a way others would like to understand.
I know I wanted him.
no subject
[It doesn't take away the fact that, whatever she felt, it was real. That being said:]
I think you deserve better.
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I really like you, Endorsi.
[ Fondness warms her tone; affections softens her voice. ]
You're right. On both counts.
no subject
[She's not usually that direct about it, but something about seeing that memory - something about how concerned she was when she came out of the memory and realized the reality of that death... It makes her a little bit more honest. Besides, Medb is one of the rare people she thinks of as her equal.]
Do you think you'll go back to him when you go home?
no subject
I don’t need him, and he died after I did.
[ That’s true enough even if there may be a part of her that still vies for him. ]
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Is it insensitive to say I'm glad you don't need him...?
[probably]
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No.
[ Medb isn't much for sensitivity. She wants him, but she doesn't need him. ]
I'll take it as a compliment.
[ She's going to interpret it that Endorsi wants her to have more and better. ]
no subject